Monday, December 23, 2019

what happened

mas1971: assalamualaikum mas2020

mas2020: waalaikumsalam

mas1971: how are you? 

mas2020: alhamdulillah, much better. there are good days, there are bad days *ayat cliche 

mas71: wawasan 2020 soon! Allah beri peluang untuk lihat tahun 2020 tidak lama lagi insyaAllah. so what have you been up to?

mas2020: a lot and nothing. it can be overwhelming and sometimes empty. in 2017, i stopped my work cold turkey. i got burnedout i guess. i love my work too much and i fell sick being a"workaholic". it got to a point where i can continue for days and days without sleep or little naps in between. i felt sleeping was a waste of time.

then one day i crashed. i havent slept for days and it wasnt because of work. i forgot how to sleep.
my brain refused to shut down. it was during eid 2017, i was crying at dawn because i was so tired but i cant sleep.i shut my eyes and yet i can hear everything. very aware of my surroundings. it was a nightmare!

as soon as eid holidays over, i went to the hospital to seek desperate help. very deperate to learn to fall asleep again. desperate to shut down and rest. by now my blood pressure is already high, and heavy pressure feeling building up on my face and eyes.

i had a consultation with a psychiatrist. by this time i dont care what people thing anymore. all shame or fear was no longer an option. brain shut down, that is what i need. my body hormones all a wrecked. stress level was to the max. i was dying, with eyes wide opened!

the first consultation, i was asked why i was there. i said, "i cant sleep! my brain forgot how to fall asleep. can that happened?"

after answering questions about my life, lifestyle, childhood, family history etc etc, the doctor said i must be an ADHD child then and possibly that is really my condition. i must have learned to cope creatively with this condition but now that i am much older, it can happened that i can no longer cope on my own. 

the doctor said, my love for my work is the root cause of me not able to sleep. hours on the laptop doing design work, then hours more with my embroidery machine and for a person like me with ADHD it gets to a point where once i am obsessed with something, i dont know how to set boundaries and limit hours spend on my obsession. that is why i cant sleep. not because my brain forgot how to sleep but its because my brain refuse to sleep. i can close my eyes, but i cant "switch off" my brain. 

so, first step. i need medication. drugs. it sounds terrible isnt it?  it was god send.

doctor said, if my brain is conflicting with my body, i have to force shut down the brain, i was prescribed sleeping aid and anxiety drugs to relax. it helped...for like few months.  then other things happened in my life.....tbc 

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